Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
