Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
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