It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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