P.S. I can't hear my feet
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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