i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
