i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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