Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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