I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
