New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
