Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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