I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
