I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
