who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
