if only i could text you this smell
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
