I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize