Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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