I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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