just come out here and I will go home with you...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
