I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Less talking, more tequila
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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