I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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