I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
third nipple confirmed
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
