so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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