Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
no you cant smoke seaweed
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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