I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize