Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize