I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
