Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
