office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize