Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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