her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
