I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize