On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
