Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
