When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
