Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
