I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
