tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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