Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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