my phone needs a breathalizer
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
