I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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