my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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