Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
