She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
