Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize