she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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