This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
