I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
