dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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