she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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