Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
