you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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