I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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