; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize