tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think I just sharted jello shots
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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