Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
