she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
