My sheets look like a crime scene.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
