Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
