You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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