i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
