Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
