I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
