Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
