Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
