My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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