Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
