I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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