ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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