you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
