I accidentally had phone sex last night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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