sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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